I think its safe to say I am ready for it to be done already. We have had lots of fun in the sun and water....but I am still ready for it to be over. Its rough with a little baby in this heat - especially with 2 other kids at home that LOVE to be outside. Its definitely been a balancing act this summer - trying to keep them entertained but not letting Cannon melt in the heat - ha!
I think I am ready for school to start back up. I am ready to be back in our routines - I crave routines - especially with small kids. 2 more weeks!!!
**warning...this next part is long..but its been weighing on my mind for a long time and I just wanted to get it out there for my personal memories - the good, the bad & the ugly :)
I think I am feeling the need to be real on my blog today. I have never been untruthful about our lives on here, but I do know I have only made the effort to put the good & happy stuff on here...but believe me..we definitely have our days just like everyone else. I have had several friends ask me how I do it each day and adjust to so many changes with such little effort. I usually just put on a happy face no matter what - I have never really let people see the struggles we (or mainly me) go through.
anyway...
I think I am ready to get the show on the road too b/c I officially decided to stay home 100% this year. I have been going back and forth whether to return to work (only part time hours as before) but I just think it makes sense for our family for me to stay home this year.
First financially, it was very challenging to find someone that could watch Cannon a few hours/week and still make it worth my while to work. Working only 8 hours/ week or so doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room for childcare costs. As big of a factor this one was...it definitely was not the main factor.
Second and the biggest factor is...I NEED this time with Cannon. It is soooo different with 2 small children so close in age and an older child beginning junior high. Brooklynn got 100% of our attention most of the time when she was a baby - since she was the only one here with us most of the time and Andrew was with us only part time so we got to focus primarily on her. So we were constantly working with her and playing with her every waking second. Now with Cannon....our time is split so many different ways. As most everyone that knows us is aware, we not only welcomed a baby into our home this year, but we also were FINALLY able to get full custody of Andrew around the same time. So he is living with us full time now and has been since February and it has been what we have dreamed of and wanted for so long. Its going really well and we have seen such a difference in him during this time..we are just so excited to have it finally turn out this way. Then of course there is Brooklynn who is almost 3 and anyone that has ever had a 2 year old can attest to - they are a full time job on their own - ha! So we are officially out-numbered by kids...lol.
So anyway back to my point - I don't have the dedicated time with Cannon anymore like I did with Brookie. So with me staying home this year - I will get one on one time with my sweet baby boy. Brookie will resume her preschool program on Mon/Weds/Fri in a couple weeks, Andrew will be in school each day and so there will be my time with just me and Cannon - I am so excited for that. There are days that pass when I am putting him to bed at night that I feel like I have barely spent anytime with him that day and I feel so guilty....like I am cheating him. I feel constant guilt about the back of Cannon's head being flat - that I leave him too long just sitting there in either his bouncer or swing while I am dealing with the other kids. He has never been a fan of tummy time and it all goes back to what I said before - I don't have the time to just sit with him and encourage him when he starts fussing...so I have never made him do it for very long b/c usually I have to cut it short and go deal with the other 2 kids....and therefore he has never learned to like it. We have an appt with a specialist in a couple weeks to get it checked out. Our pediatrician didn't think it was anything more than a cosmetic issue, but I am scared of what this dr will say/think about me as a mom. I constantly worry what others think of me as a mom too when they see his head - that I just let him sit all day. The rational side of me knows that I AM a good mom and that I would do whatever it takes for my kids to be happy & healthy, but its the guilt that eats me up inside. That is one of the worst feelings in the world as a mom - feeling like you are not being there for your kids and that you failed them. I am still learning how to fix this so I am hoping our arrangement this year will help ease some of that guilt.
Next fall (Fall 2011) Cannon will be enrolled in the same school as Brookie so it is my plan at that point to go back to work during the days they are in school. I went for a visit to my office the other day and sat and talked with my boss and she told me whenever, however, whatever I wanted to work I could. I don't take that lightly...I know I am incredibly fortunate and grateful for having a company that is so flexible with me and accommodating. She told me before I left, that she will wait for me to let her know when I am ready and able to return to work. What a load lifted off my chest - to know that if I had to return to work, I have that option - and believe me...we have seriously contemplated it this year - its been a rough year with a lot more expenses than we could have ever imagined last year when we made our decision for me to stay home. We are so thankful we carefully planned it all out before cutting our income in half - if we hadn't I can't (and don't want to)even imagine where we would be right now....we could have been another statistic you see on the news all the time during this economy. Scary thought.
Anyway...sorry for rambling on forever about all this but I wanted to get it off my chest and get it on the blog so when I look back on this time...I will remember everything we were going through and dealing with. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...right? Motherhood has definitely been one of the most humbling experiences I have ever been through in my life, but it is also the most fulfilling thing I have ever done all at the same time. Its wild & crazy but I wouldn't have it any other way....
I love waking up to these two :) Oh and no...they don't share the same bed - they just have snuggle time each morning before we all get moving for the day.
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